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[Mar. 15th, 2008|02:37 pm] |
So we just got two fines for fifty bucks each. Sweet, awesome.
Well, at least it wasn't noise complaints. |
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[Mar. 14th, 2008|10:19 pm] |
"I need to be in an atmosphere that is free, that is open, that is striving for truth - and not somebody else dictating to you how to do your thing, which you know how to do better than anybody else."
Sorry about last night's nonsense. I was way too messed up to be near a laptop, let alone write anything worth reading.
Anyway, been awake since 5 AM...yesterday. And it's currently..11:30 PM today. That's..42 hours? Give or take. I took a powernap. Bout to take a second one then drown myself in coffee. Late night hash adventures to a diner are in store, so gotta rest up.
My lifestyle is so unhealthy for me these days. |
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[Mar. 14th, 2008|02:23 am] |
"History repeats."
Every part of my being hopes to god that this isn't true. There's a ton on my mind, but very little to say. I have work in 3 hours and I can't sleep at all. I'm stressed and overtired and I just want to cuddle. I'm trying not to complain too badly right now, but hey, it happens. I'm a very happy person these days, but I'm still entitled to a nervy b every once in a while. And this sure as hell..is it.
Maybe I'll explain once my head clears... |
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| it should take you exactly four seconds to walk from here to that door; i'll give you two. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|11:31 pm] |
You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.
Just posted a crapload of mad old entries from back in the day. It's some weird way of knitting who I was, who I've become, and who I will be together in one place. I don't know why I do this. Maybe so I never forget anything, ever, about the old, the new, the soon-to-be. The past is past, and I know this, but the past brought me here. Instead of saying peace out to history, I want to try harder to keep it at arm's length so I can maybe better understand where I'll go from here.
This is here and he is home.
"Home is where you feel at home."
Moved out, in love, creating a life, big changes. Hopefully all for the better. And we all know how this goes - new chapter = new inspiration = more writing. It's been working well so far. This has opened up a whole new world, a whole new state of mind and being. I'll say I'll try to write more often, but again, we all know I can't commit to anything, ever. Which is kind of what makes this whole thing so strange. I'm sharing a bed every night with a boy I can see myself spending the rest of my life with...and I'm okay with that. Mostly. Okay, so I'm still your favorite tactile-defensive "gotta push him away before this gets too far" Tine. You know how I do. I really don't want to, but it's so engrained in my mind at this point that I'm not sure if I know anything else anymore. I guess I have no worries, though. He never lets me out of arm's reach or earshot...and I love him for that. It's a little scary because it means he actually, like, cares. A totally new concept. And yet I still try to run. I need to stop this madness [sparta!]
no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself..
I've got a case of the mean reds, I'm nostalgic as ever, but I think I may finally be getting this right. |
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| never toy with a girl like me. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|11:13 pm] |
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Have you ever sat outside in the early hours of the morning and just listened? There's nothing to hear except maybe the distant drone of motors. At least where I am anyways. But other than that, it's as though you're the only person awake in the entire world. I wonder what people are dreaming behind their locked doors and drawn curtains, ya know? I'm sitting outside with a glass of strawberry milk, the wind stirring my chlorine-scented hair in the light of a hazy moon and it's like the rest of the world doesn't exist. It's at that moment that you realize what matters and what doesn't. How small some things are when looked at in the grand scheme of things. It's times like that moment that put you into a new perspective of living. It helps you see that life is about those moments where you are truly at peace with yourself and the world and everything in it and on it and around it |
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[Mar. 9th, 2008|11:10 pm] |
"It is about eight o'clock and I am back on the front stoop. We've seen this show before, but I keep coming back for an encore. Maybe I think the show will end differently, but then isn't that what they say about crazy people? Only crazy people do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.
I came outside about an hour ago to walk the block, and when I was finished and tried to go back inside, the door had been locked. Gwen was already gone when I left to go exercise, but my mother was still powdering and perfuming for her date, so I thought I had plenty of time. But somehow I still managed to miss the window of opprotunity. The window's locked too. I guess the sane thing would be to start expecting this to happen, to live as though every time I walk out my front door I would end up locked out. But it doesn't happen every time, just sometimes. In biology, Mrs. Price told us about an experiment they did with chickens. One group of chickens was fed every time they pecked, another group was fed every second time, and the third group was fed at random. When the food was cut off, the first group stopped trying immediately, and the second group stopped soon afterward. The third group, on the other hand, never stopped trying. It's the unpredictability of things; that's what gets you." |
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| if you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|11:09 pm] |
I need to stop running. From you. I need to stop running from you. I need time to reconfigure myself again. I took a whole year to myself. No interruptions. Crushes here. Hooks ups there. Nothing serious. Nothing big. But this is big. This is really big. Because I'm settled. I'm fucking settled. Which means. I don't know. It means that I need to figure out who I am when I'm with someone. Who am I now. I'm still me. Strong, independent, quirky. But now I'm more. Because..I'm not alone. And that scares me. Does that even make sense? It scares me to not be alone. Most people are scared of being alone. It's not that I'm scared of commitment. I'm just afraid that I can't be everything he wants me to be. I never fit up to any other expectations, how can this be different? How can I be good enough?
My world is full of "I don't know"s and question marks. I'll figure this out. I just..need time. But not to myself. Because I need to stand my ground for once. I need to stay and not run away and not freak out. I can do this, right? Right. Okay. |
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[Mar. 9th, 2008|11:06 pm] |
So at the end of the day, I turn back to the things I'm used to: the same songs, the same letters, the same books, the same movies, the same jokes, the same words, the same writing style. The old soundtracks are currently spinning on repeat. It's like in my head the rest of my life can't change because these things sure haven't. These things will forever remain the same. They'll forever be ingrained in my head as songs and books and quotes and lyrics that remind me of high school and before and after. But especially during. Those were my favorite years, hands down. Everything before is a big blur and everything after has been a whirlwind.
We take it for granted, but there was such a sense of stability back then. We went to class. And that's it. Sure, we all maybe had our sports teams or clubs or shows, but there was always that sense of the norm.
I wish they could have taught us more about life in high school. Sure, we learned of broken hearts and backstabbers, but there's more. I wish they taught us how to deal with that broken heart or that stab wound. They should have taught us how to deal with the death of a loved one [or ones]. Or how to survive when everything you've ever known is suddenly blown wide open until there's only a small hint of what it used to be.
Why didn't they teach us anything useful? The quadratic formula isn't helping me say goodbye to my best friend. |
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| for my seaman. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|11:04 pm] |
In other news, I've recently discovered the truth behind a home. A home is where the heart is, not necessarily the house you live in. Wikipedia reads my mind, I swear:
"While a house (or other residential dwelling) is often referred to as a home, the concept of "home" is broader than a physical dwelling. Home is often a place of refuge and safety, where worldly cares fade and the things and people that one loves becomes the focus."
"A house is a building lived in by people. The word "house" may also refer to a building that shelters animals, especially in a zoo."
So, in essence, you are home to me. :]
And this brings me to my message to you [regardless of whether or not you actually take the time to read this]:
You've got the world behind you. You really do. You've got an enormous support system who will be there for you in whatever you decide to do. So many have your back, it's ridiculous. And I'm here. Always. Forever. You can't shake me now. It's too late to turn back. You're stuck with me. So whether you need a hug, a handhold, a kiss, or a beer, you know I'll always be here to give you whatever. Anything you want. This is it. ♥ |
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| meet joe black. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:59 pm] |
Joe Black: I don't care Bill. I love her.
William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love.
Joe Black: Then what is it?
William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters.
Joe Black: Which is what?
William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.
Joe Black: So that's what love is according to William Parrish?
William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about. |
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| a box of captain crunch would taste so good, |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:56 pm] |
We have all these big plans for our lives. We're going to graduate high school and go to college and then enter the real world as doctors and lawyers and scientists and business execs. We plan our lives out in full detail: married, 3 kids, white house, puppy...but hold the picket fence, it's too 50s cliche, thanks. In our seemingly perfect preteen/tween/teen minds, our future is bright and in the palm of our hands. What can go wrong?
Plenty can.
One night, we do something really stupid. We have unprotected sex and wind up returning home 9 months later to our parents' house decorated in blue "it's a boy!" streamers...and a buttload of bills we can't pay off just yet. We get in the car with someone who had only a little to drink...and end up wrapped around a pole.
Or life throws curveballs. We aren't accepted to our dream colleges. Our parents get divorced. Our grandparents pass away.
You can never really plan, can you? Because you can never really know what is going to develop. Sure, we can make a basic rough draft or outline of how we want it to go, but does it ever really end that way? Of course not. There's no way it can.
So what do you do? What do you do when everything you've ever known is suddenly thrown into chaos, when your world basically explodes in your face? Well, you roll with the changes. What else can you do? Tilt your head back and fucking take it. The leftover taste might be bitter or sour-smelling, or maybe even sweet. It might burn the throat a little or cause your eyes to water, but what else can you do? Turn your head and pretend it's not happening? You can drink every night until you're blind and can't walk straight and wind up passed out on some anonymous couch in some anonymous house on some anonymous street with no recollection of how you got there. It's not going to solve any problems. They won't go away. They'll still be there, like it or not. They'll still be in your face, screaming, "Hey remember me? Yeah you got pretty fucked last night, but I'm still fucking here and I'm not leaving until you kick me out."
Believe it or not, things get better. There's going to be good times and bad times, and maybe you'll look back and remember the bad times better, but that's only because most people take the good for granted. Enjoy every second, minute, hour that ticks away from you and remember it's fucking precious. Anything can happen at any time. People you've known forever can be there and in the blink of an eye be gone forever.
In a nutshell, just never give up. Plain and simple. |
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| i'll make your past regret its future. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:52 pm] |
We all have our problems, our stress. We can't judge who has it worse than anyone else, because we're all affected differently. Don't say that you're the only one who knows what it's like to feel pain, sadness, loneliness, grief, despair. We all go through it everyday. We all fight a battle within and without every single goddamn day of our lives.
I think everyone needs to be more understanding these days. |
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| the history of love. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:49 pm] |
"He slipped his hand into mine, and I thought, An average of seventy-four species become extinct every day, which was one good reason but not the only one to hold someone's hand, and the next thing that happened was we kissed each other, and I found I knew how, and I felt happy and sad in equal parts, because I knew that I was falling in love, but it wasn't with him."
"To lose you have to have had. Ah? So now you're a stickler for details? Have, didn't have! Listen to you! You made a profession out of losing. A champion loser you were. And yet. Where's the proof you ever had her? Where's the proof that she was yours to have?" |
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| hit me with your best shot. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:42 pm] |
So lately I'm just surrounded by lying and cheating and backstabbing. And then there's the people who see all this and just turn the other way. Pretend not to notice.
But I notice.
And I hate it.
But seeing all this really makes me realize how grateful I am for the ones who have always been there and who have always stuck by me through thick and thin. Those who have hugged me, cried with me, laughed with me, laughed at me, and just sat on the couch with me while we ate Ben & Jerry's ice cream and other assorted junk foods, talking about how much we hate guys and girls and every aspect of life that didn't agree with our plan for ourselves.
And to conclude all this, everyone try to be a little more honest these days. Fess up. Make amends. Stop going behind each other's backs. Stop hiding your feelings, because you're not sure if you're "right" in feeling them. There's no right or wrong about emotions. It's how you choose to act on them. Stop hurting each other. Everyone is going through something you don't even understand. Listen. Understand.
But most importantly.
Just be fucking honest. |
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| those three small words. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:39 pm] |
They seem so foreign coming from me. I'm trying to adjust, but the reality is I'm afraid. So he says it first, but I'm not used to it being...felt? honest? real? d. all of the above? I'm afraid to initiate.
So I roll the words around in my mouth a bit, trying to get a taste for them, letting them slide over my tongue and through the spaces in between my teeth. Are they worth spitting out or is it better to just swallow them? Or should I just hold them in my cheek for the time being the way you hold gum or a candy..so I can taste them just a little longer.
"What Is love? Great minds have been grappling with this question throughout the ages, and in the modern era, they have come up with many different answers. According to Western philosopher Pat Benatar, love is a battlefield. Her paisan Frank Sinatra would add the corollary that love is a tender trap. Love hurts. Love stinks. Love bites, love bleeds, love is the drug. The troubadours of our times agree: They want to know what love is, and they want you to show them. But the answer is simple: Love is a mix tape." |
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| love is a mixtape. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:38 pm] |
november 19, 2007
One year. That's 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 525,600 minutes. Scientifically. Or is that mathematically? Either way, it's been an entire year since my life either ended or began/ I still can't tell which, but it was certainly a milestone, a flame-resistant bridge. Trust me, I've tried. Hell, why do we even use numbers to measure life time? Not a lifetime. But life time. They aren't even important in the grand scheme of things. At least not in my little bubble of existence. So how do you measure? How about moments? Deaths? Births? Newspaper clippings? How should I measure? Hell, why I should I even measure it? Why can't I just define it? Because you can't define life or love or anything, right? Right. Well, let's think about it. Life is more than numbers and dollar signs and scientific theories and words on a page. My life after high school isn't centered around college or term papers or holiday breaks. So far, it's been defined by a full time job, alcoholic binges, beer pong, late nights, escape, excessive nostalgia, drunken hookups, a single one night stand, mistakes worth making, and..love. Somewhere along the line, I fell in love. And maybe it sounds cliche, but it's changed my life. I was caught up in the ideals of what love is in high school - sitting next to each other at lunch, holding hands in the hallways, going to the prom together, double dating with best friends, passing the occasional love note, being intimate for the first time.
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
But now I'm five months into a relationship that I thought would be easy to keep going, because I was still in that high school love mindset. But all of a sudden, I'm actually beginning to see that love is more than just a MySpace relationship status or words in an AIM profile. It's understanding the needs and wants of your other half. It's giving everything and expecting nothing..yet receiving everything anyway. It's about sacrifice, giving up and giving in. It's about always appreciating what the other does, even if it's an everyday thing. It's more than just getting drunk and making out and spending nights together. It's a connection that makes you want to see each other everyday, even if just for five minutes. It's recognizing that it could be gone at any second, so never taking it for granted.
"Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."
Love is more than just three words written or spoken. It's how you treat the person you say you love. It's how you make them feel when you finally say goodbye at the end of the day. It's the embraces you give, the gestures that say everything while speaking not a single word. So you can tell someone you love them until you turn blue in the face, and maybe it means something over-the-moon great, but until it can be reinforced wordlessly, it can never mean as much as it should. |
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| it's gonna be a happy new year. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:32 pm] |
december 30, 2007.
i can't control
my destiny
my only goal
is just
to be..
In a year I've learned all about letting go, dealing with the pain of death and loss, the meaning of a broken heart, true responsibility, the "real" world, being an adult, the pain and pleasure of love.
I've learned the easiest, yet hardest thing to do is give up on anyone or anything. There's always that small hope that maybe something will work out. Maybe the tide will change. But you can't force something to change if it doesn't want to.
I've learned not to expect from someone something they can never give. If I don't expect anything, I can never be disappointed. I'm still trying to define a line in the sand regarding expectations. What's too much? What's too little? And what's worth sacrificing?
I've learned that love is more than just three words spoken. It's all about actions, how you treat the person you say you love. It's about commitment, selflessness, sacrifice. You can tell someone you love them until you're blue in the face and the words become hollow and empty, but it can never mean half as much as when they are proven as true.
I've learned not to completely count on anyone or anything. There are no definites in life and anything can happen.
I've learned a lot about human nature. It seems like almost everyone I know lies, cheats, backstabs, hides the truth. I lie a lot, so I'm trying to change that. I don't want to become what I've seen and it's so hard to trust these days..
I've learned just how great a really good cry can be. It's like it drains away all the hurt, pain, shame, whatever. It leaves you empty, almost with a clean slate to start again. It doesn't erase memories, only the feelings they brought on.
This is growing up. I can feel it. Something in me is changing drastically, has already changed so much. 2007 was filled with so much internal and external conflict, and most people don't even know the half of it. And I don't know what 2008 has in store for me, but I know that I am strong enough to take it on with open arms. I can do this. With or without help, together or alone, in sickness or in health, I've got this.
"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time." |
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